An Invitation to CoinDesk’s Super-Secret ICO Pre-Launch Party*

May 1, 2018 at 12:05 UTC
Updated May 3, 2018 at 03:23 UTC
FEATURE

*Inspired by a very real token project

At CoinDesk, we believe that you can put a blockchain on, in or next to anything. (It’s possible that we may even be blockchains). And certainly there’s no better place that blockchains can solve a real-world problem than here at CoinDesk.

Let’s face it, today’s reporters struggle to cover the cryptocurrency space. From not using every article to highlight the benefits of HODLing to letting some nocoiners just show up and yap FUD, we know our reporters have really held the industry (at least the price) back.

In fact, we’re so open to the idea of change, we’d like to take on a suggestion from ethereum creator Vitalik Buterin, who kindly told CoinDesk of our coverage last week:

“This is why pundits need to be replaced by prediction markets, ASAP.”

After all, who really needs people asking questions about the industry’s totally-not-broken governance model, its definitely-not-hypocritical private token sales or its absolutely-not-redundant-or-esoteric debates?

As such, we’re happy to announce our token DeskCoin.*

Where’s the white paper? We’ve got a trendier plan. What the people really want, even before basic facts about the project, is highfalutin booze, drugs and an immersive experience that will cause severe sensory overload!

We’re talking about a coin launch party, bros.

Because what good is having immutable record-keeping and shared digital trust if you can’t kick it off with a rip-roaring banger? Amirite?

Think machine-learning robots in a fully autonomous yogurt shop. Look, we know you’ve thought about that before, so we turned it up a notch – pairing the technology with actual pseudoscience. We’ll have palm readers and Reiki and lots of lots of crystals (mostly amethyst because it’s an all-purpose healing stone and let’s be clear, we have no idea what our purpose is).

Even better, all we have to do is look to what the state-of-the-art projects are really, actually, already, we’re-totally-not-making-this-up doing for ideas.

So before you make millions on DeskCoin (name not final – we might change it to something “dope”), we’ve lined up an event that’s sure to leave you mesmerized and also slightly hungover.

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NOTE: THE GUEST LIST IS CLOSED
(JK, you can totally invest in the coin at the door.)

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PERFORMANCE

The best ways to escape the lingering feeling of dread after watching the price charts…

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Healing EDM

WHAT: Tracklist includes all the crypto hits – “(Airdrop) it Like it’s Hot,” “Get Your Fork On” and “All About That Basecoin”
WHO: A DJ whose name has exactly two letters. (We can’t have him confused with our ICO!)
WHY: Because nothing says “the future” like music played on an “Apple Mac.”

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Out-of-Body Embodiment Dance

WHAT: Similar to ecstatic dance except with booze and talking, so actually it’s just like dance.
WHO: Probably not many people
WHY: This is a judgement-free zone, even for those condescending pick-up lines. “You’re really pretty. Why are you here?”

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Uranus Oil Mining 

WHAT: Mining digital coins is so 2017. You know what’s an untapped resource? Uranus oil.
WHO: “Mad” Mike Hughes, who survived his first rocket launch and is out to prove Earth IS flat.
WHY: Because if Earth is flat, how easy would it be to put it on a blockchain?

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SUSTENANCE

You’ll definitely need something to wash down the Uranus oil…

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Reefer Room

WHAT: Weed. Ganja. Mary Jane. Whatever you call it, we’ve got it. And this time we’re telling you in advance.
WHO: Anyone that looks like they inspired Brock Pierce’s new look.
WHY: Puff, puff, pass is the best team building.

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Soylent Smoothie Bar

WHAT: Who cares about slowly enjoying a good steak over a glass of wine with friends? You might miss buying the dip!
WHO: Literally all the coders
WHY: Maybe food?

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Regular Ole Food Truck 

WHAT: Definitely food.
WHO: Boring taco truck with a new name. Boring menu with new words – ones more generally used to describe sex. (Try The Birds and The Bees honey-glazed duck and the Heat of the Moment stuffed jalapeno).
WHY: Soylent is an acquired taste.

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RESTORATION

This industry is all about finding the real you, and then using that you to fail fast…

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Hash Coffee Bar

WHAT: No, this isn’t a weed thing. I know, it’s confusing.
WHO: Stanford applied physics students.
WHY: Pour in some creamer. Stir. Look deeply into the swirls. You’ve found your new cryptographic hash function.

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Some Kind of Reading

WHAT: I’d say there’s a “profitable investment in your future.” ; )
WHO: Miss Cleo bailed. Luckily the taco truck guys say they moonlight as mystics.
WHY: What is pseudo-digital securities issuance without a human touch?

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Big African Cat Awakening

WHAT: Because Hand:Shake’s “Jaguar Awakening” had to be one-upped
Who: Maybe large cats?
WHY: Actually, we’re pretty sure this is just face-painting. Get it… You are the cat.

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Lucid Dream Lounge

WHAT: Is life but a waking dream?
Who: Am I?
WHY: Are you not yet invested in this ICO?

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EXPERIENCE

We want to highlight experiences within the experience…

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Immersive Design
99 percent sure this means we’ll need to buy edible wallpaper.

Environmental Design
Did we mention the wallpaper is edible?

Digital Design
Did we mention the wallpaper has a token?

Actual Design
No, no, no… The token is embedded in the floral design! You already ate it? Welp, it’s even more scarce now.

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Theme – Mythical Beasts

Because ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ was a little too on the nose…

Investors acknowledge that DeskCoin may or may not ever be released, but that despite this, it may trade on a number of exchanges.

Witch with crystal ball image via Shutterstock